#IM GLAD IT LOOKS THAT WAY bcoz i work hard to take care of it damn it

[recareels]

your hair look so soft i wanna run my hands through it so bad 🥹 waaahhhh

ohhhh my gosh ran!!! (*ﾉωﾉ) i actually love having my hair played with and pet SO much so this sounds like a dreammm hehe <3 thank you so much tho!!!

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[cozyforjate]

MacGyver 4x13

So, lets talk about MacGyver season finale.  Now did i like it? Yes. It was a solid episode with great action. 

Was it the best episode of the season? Unfortunately no.

Its hard not to have big expectations from season finales. Especially when you have a season long arc you want it to end in a satisfactory way. Now i'm one of those who LOVED the Codex arc from the very beginning. But i didn’t really feel satisfied in the end. IMO we needed to spend more time inside the Codex world.  

I wanted to have more of Scarlett. But she had like 2 scenes and she died in one of them. Such a shame.

I'm soo dissapointed that Auntie Gwen died. And she died exactly the way James did. Poor Mac, he just cant have a break, can he? 

The only consolation for me is that Codex isnt done. Bcoz lets face it, you cant take down an organization that's been around for centuries by just stopping one nuke. Leland is still out there and hopefully we'll see him again. I think he was pretty scary and cool btw.  

While the heavily promoted showdown between Mac&Riley vs Russ&Desi was great and very well acted, it didnt live up to the expectations. They built up great tension, they created a believable conflict but then it all got resolved in 5 minutes. Russ was like "sorry for the gun in your face thing" and Mac's like "Whats a gun in the face between friends?". Resolved.

I understand where Russ’s coming from just like i understand were Mac’s coming from. But i guess i wanted to see them working on building the trust, working on the friendship. But maybe we will get that when the show comes back with new episodes. We’ll see...

MacDesi: 

When it comes to MacDesi, nothing really makes sense. I feel like this season the writers forgot their own writing and tried to retcon the story a few times.They did it again in the finale. 

We had a Desi, calling Mac compromised, telling "i knew it" the minute she realized Mac's gone rogue, saying "sometimes you just have to sacrifice the things you love" with a straight face, saying "Mac has to be stopped"... But in  this episode suddenly Desi was talking about how she TRUSTED Mac. 

Its always Mac's fault. Mac has to be the one who always need to apologize and take the blame. Even Russ said sorry, but not Desi. Never her.

And what was their last scene all about?

"I know you better than you think "

Of course she knows him! She knew Mac couldnt be compromised. She knew, that Mac always did everything for a reason. She knew he didnt have an evil bone in his body. 

Oh wait, that was Riley. Sorry.

Knowing someone doesn't mean knowing superficial things about them. It means knowing their heart, knowing their soul. And when you really, truly know someone, you trust them. You believe in them. 

One thing i'm glad about MacDesi scenes was that all the emotion (be it anger or concern) it came from Desi and not Mac really. All scenes were initiated by Desi. And Mac just let her. I dont know how long the writers are intending to keep this relationship going. One more episode, 2 more, 3? 

But i got a feeling that Mac now realizes this relationship can't last. He is truly sorry for hurting her. He cares about her. But they lack fundamental things such as trust, understanding, equality and compatibility.  

MacRiley:

So we didnt get big scenes with MacRiley in this episode. But i loved the ones we got nonetheless. So im gonna talk about each and every one of them!

What i love with MacRiley is that they're always in snyc. Riley says something, Mac comes up with an idea. Mac presents an idea, Riley improves it. They sense danger at the same time and take action like they planned it all along. They're the king and queen of improvising. Best team ever. And we need more of that in season 5!

Onto the scenes:

Loved how Riley sensed that Mac’s focus seemed a bit shaken and brought him back to his senses. "I need you to clear your head" "Yeah you're absolutely right"...  

Loved how Mac repeated that they were a "package deal". I guess he really enjoys it. We feel you Mac. We love it too!

Loved how he didnt want to be seperated with Riley but had to. And i loved how he ran to Riley to see if she's ok after the talk with Leland. 

Loved the scene in car. Mac turned to look at Riley when he said he jammed his phone under the ramp before he fell out of the truck. Riley smiled at him already tracking the signal.... Always in sync!

We got one “Riles” wohoo... Call me crazy but i love how Mac always thanks Riley even when its the smallest things like handing her tablet to him. This time he thanked her twice tho, when he took the tablet and when he returned it. LOOOL 

When the bomb went off and Mac wasn’t out yet, Riley quickly checked Desi. And it kinda broke my heart coz Russ and Desi were there and she felt like she had to hide her feelings. But the minute she saw Mac, she couldn’t stop herself and ran to him. That’s my girl. Loved how Mac rested his back on Riley's leg. Riley probably wanted to hug him but again Desi and Russ were there so all she could do was pat his shoulder.   

Russ giving MacRiley their badges back! LOOOL I bet he cut the badges into tiny pieces himself. And when Riley and Mac realized whats in the envelopes? They had the exact same reaction. Somebody please gif it side by side.